04.20.2010

NEWS FLASH: Safety and Security Officers Totally Cash Bowl

WOBC Oberlin alumni Wilder Bowl

To most, April 20th is notable only as the birthday of master percussionist Mike Portnoy of Dream Theater. However, according to eyewitness accounts, many at Oberlin College consider the date a sacred holiday accompanied by several meaningful rituals and ceremonies.

Among the rituals observed at Wilder Bowl on Tuesday were the sale of beaded trinkets, grooving to reggae music, “sitting,” “chowing,” and “chilling.” Although many spiritual observers could be spotted in small groups participating in similarly strange rituals around the town of Oberlin, most congregated in Wilder Bowl, arranging themselves in elaborate interlocking circular patterns reminiscent of the crop circles depicted in the Mel Gibson biopic, Signs.

While participants in the spiritual ceremonies at Wilder Bowl seemed calm and at-ease, Oberlin College officials became concerned about the gathering when the sacraments reached a feverish height at approximately 4:20pm.

College employee, Tina Barnes, reported hearing “whooping, hollering, and howling” and alerted the Department of Safety and Security.

Responding to the incident, eight Safety and Security officers descended upon Wilder Bowl, confiscating personal vestments and other religious paraphernalia.

According to College Sophomore, Ricky Bailey,”it was just a bunch of dudes trying to have a good time.”

To Safety and Security officer James Gering, the matter was something else entirely. “[It was] a wholly irresponsible display of immaturity, hedonism, decadence, and lack of judgment,” Gering said.

College officials estimate the gathered swarm to be in excess of 500 observers strong.

Of the many participants who were cited for distributing peace and congregating happily, most have decided to fight the charges on the grounds of spiritual discrimination.

As of press time, no vestments have been returned.

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